I'm Not Dead But I'm Not Alive

Today my nephew turned 6 years old. I'm such a shitty Aunt. I don't even have money to buy him a gift. Not that he needs anything because my brother gives him everything he wants but that's not the point. I work tonight so I'll swing by Walmart on my way home and get him a gift then.  His party is Saturday so it will be fine.  I remember when he was born. I was living at my moms 6 years ago. I was actually happy. I was going to church. I led the GA's. I worked at a crap job as a gas station overnight clerk but I actually enjoyed my job. The cops would come hang out over night. I had a few really good friends. I went to Thursday night football games with my daughter. This was one of my happy moments in life.  I had just started dating a guy that I thought was amazing. He took me hunting and fishing. He was tall, sweet, funny and loved his parents and believed in God. He had a great job and his own house. It didn't last long because I soon discovered he was cheati

As I'm sitting here contemplating my life I realize I'm almost exactly where I was 5 years ago! What the fuck is wrong with me?  It's funny because the parking lot I'm sitting in is the very first job I had when I moved here 5 years ago. I'm living with my brother AGAIN which is exactly where I lived 5 years ago! I am sitting in my car alone and drinking while I sort through my life which is exactly what I did 5 years ago when I needed to be alone! Seriously, how have I not made any progress in 5 years? Instead of living my life moving forward, I seem to have lived my life in some kind of fucked up circle which I can't help but think maybe that means I'm spiralling out of control or living my life in a downward spiral or maybe life is just a fucking circle with never ending possibilities and I just keep coming back to the beginning.  Either way you look at it. I'm basically a fucking loser and although I did make progress in those 5 years, somehow I reve

I'm seriously sitting in my car drinking and smoking in a parking lot and creating a blog on my phone. How in the fuck did I end up here? I ask myself this question all the time.  I'm 42 years old and have nothing to show for my life. I feel like the harder I try, the harder life gets and the further behind I get.  Most people my age are happily married with a nice home and a good job. I live with my younger brother and his wife and kids. I have a shit job as a waitress currently. I've been a bartender the last few years at more bars than I can count because eventually I end up losing my shit and quit or get fired. The only thing I have to my name is a car that's on the verge of breaking down, that I still owe money on and can't even afford to fix. I currently have a shit relationship with all of my children. I've pushed away all of my friends and I'm working on pushing away my boyfriend whom I love but have come to hate and resent. I'm angry and emotion