I'm Not Dead But I'm Not Alive

Sitting on the patio, having my morning coffee contemplating my life. 2019 is coming to an end fast. This has honestly been the worst year of my entire life.  I want to begin 2020 in a new state of mind filled with peace, happiness and joy. I'm tired of being angry and full of rage all the time. I'm tired of being an emotional wreck. It's time for me to take back control of my life and build the life I want.  I know this won't be easy. I'll have to continue letting go of people and things that I've been holding onto for too long. I'll have to continue working on myself every day.  I usually make a list of goals and things I want to accomplish in a journal but this year I'm going to do it on my blog.  2020 Goals  1) Get my car fixed. 2) Get my care note caught up. 3) Pay off my car this year. 4) Get my bank account fixed. 5) Build a savings. 6) Change careers.  7) Get my own place. 8) Go to church on Sundays. 9) Volunteer. 10) Exercise. 11) Stop drinking

Today my nephew turned 6 years old. I'm such a shitty Aunt. I don't even have money to buy him a gift. Not that he needs anything because my brother gives him everything he wants but that's not the point. I work tonight so I'll swing by Walmart on my way home and get him a gift then.  His party is Saturday so it will be fine.  I remember when he was born. I was living at my moms 6 years ago. I was actually happy. I was going to church. I led the GA's. I worked at a crap job as a gas station overnight clerk but I actually enjoyed my job. The cops would come hang out over night. I had a few really good friends. I went to Thursday night football games with my daughter. This was one of my happy moments in life.  I had just started dating a guy that I thought was amazing. He took me hunting and fishing. He was tall, sweet, funny and loved his parents and believed in God. He had a great job and his own house. It didn't last long because I soon discovered he was cheati

As I'm sitting here contemplating my life I realize I'm almost exactly where I was 5 years ago! What the fuck is wrong with me?  It's funny because the parking lot I'm sitting in is the very first job I had when I moved here 5 years ago. I'm living with my brother AGAIN which is exactly where I lived 5 years ago! I am sitting in my car alone and drinking while I sort through my life which is exactly what I did 5 years ago when I needed to be alone! Seriously, how have I not made any progress in 5 years? Instead of living my life moving forward, I seem to have lived my life in some kind of fucked up circle which I can't help but think maybe that means I'm spiralling out of control or living my life in a downward spiral or maybe life is just a fucking circle with never ending possibilities and I just keep coming back to the beginning.  Either way you look at it. I'm basically a fucking loser and although I did make progress in those 5 years, somehow I reve

I'm seriously sitting in my car drinking and smoking in a parking lot and creating a blog on my phone. How in the fuck did I end up here? I ask myself this question all the time.  I'm 42 years old and have nothing to show for my life. I feel like the harder I try, the harder life gets and the further behind I get.  Most people my age are happily married with a nice home and a good job. I live with my younger brother and his wife and kids. I have a shit job as a waitress currently. I've been a bartender the last few years at more bars than I can count because eventually I end up losing my shit and quit or get fired. The only thing I have to my name is a car that's on the verge of breaking down, that I still owe money on and can't even afford to fix. I currently have a shit relationship with all of my children. I've pushed away all of my friends and I'm working on pushing away my boyfriend whom I love but have come to hate and resent. I'm angry and emotion