How In The Hell Did I Get Here!

I'm seriously sitting in my car drinking and smoking in a parking lot and creating a blog on my phone. How in the fuck did I end up here? I ask myself this question all the time. 

I'm 42 years old and have nothing to show for my life. I feel like the harder I try, the harder life gets and the further behind I get. 

Most people my age are happily married with a nice home and a good job. I live with my younger brother and his wife and kids. I have a shit job as a waitress currently. I've been a bartender the last few years at more bars than I can count because eventually I end up losing my shit and quit or get fired. The only thing I have to my name is a car that's on the verge of breaking down, that I still owe money on and can't even afford to fix. I currently have a shit relationship with all of my children. I've pushed away all of my friends and I'm working on pushing away my boyfriend whom I love but have come to hate and resent. I'm angry and emotional all the time. I hate most people. I hate my life and honestly I think about ending it all the time except I feel guilty about how it would make everyone else feel. I pray for a heart attack or stroke to end it suddenly or a brain aneurysm. I wouldn't feel bad if I went out like that. 

I use to love life. I use to be such a happy person but as I sit here trying to remember the last time I was truly happy I can't seem to remember when that was. 

What's funny is most people describe me as a happy energetic person but what do those fuckers know. None of them really know me. Hell, most of my family doesn't even know me. I do have a few best friends who do know me and I feel bad because they worry about me all the time and I hate that. 

I know I need therapy but I'm not one that's good at talking about my feelings and it pisses me off when I cry, especially in front of other people and I cry a lot lately. It's weird because it's random and over stupid shit. I use to write all the time and that helped me a lot but every guy I've ever been with always gets my journal and reads it so I just seemed to stop writing. I did a "happy" blog like thing on Facebook for a while but then I had to deal with assholes getting thier feelings hurt any time they read something that came to my relationship with them so I shut that down too. 

So here I am feeling depressed, sitting in my car in a parking lot creating a blog so I can work through my shit and try to fix myself. 

I figured at least this way it would be anonymous and who knows maybe someone else can relate and maybe not feel so alone in this fucked up, judgmental world. I guess this is my first blog.