5 Years Ago

As I'm sitting here contemplating my life I realize I'm almost exactly where I was 5 years ago! What the fuck is wrong with me? 

It's funny because the parking lot I'm sitting in is the very first job I had when I moved here 5 years ago. I'm living with my brother AGAIN which is exactly where I lived 5 years ago! I am sitting in my car alone and drinking while I sort through my life which is exactly what I did 5 years ago when I needed to be alone! Seriously, how have I not made any progress in 5 years?

Instead of living my life moving forward, I seem to have lived my life in some kind of fucked up circle which I can't help but think maybe that means I'm spiralling out of control or living my life in a downward spiral or maybe life is just a fucking circle with never ending possibilities and I just keep coming back to the beginning. 

Either way you look at it. I'm basically a fucking loser and although I did make progress in those 5 years, somehow I reverted right back where I began when I originally thought I was finally getting my life back on track 5 years ago. 

Maybe I need to go further back in my life to fix what's wrong with me? Maybe I'm just not fixable? I could just be one of those broken people who are just meant to always be broken. I don't want to be one of those broken people though. I struggle with God though because I feel like I am but I'm not suppose to be because of Him. 

I hate that I struggle with God. He has blessed me a lot in life and He isn't the one who made all the bad choices in my life that led me to where I am. That's all on me! So in the end I can't be mad at God or blame Him for anything. 

Where did I go so wrong? I have always tried to be a good person but somehow I always manage to sabotage everything good in my life. [I think I need a pickle shot to contemplate this... ]

My daughter just texted me to see if I'd pay for half a Uhaul to being me my shit from Dallas. I'm not responding right now because I'm upset and I did just start drinking and that never goes well. 

Our stupid lease isn't even up for several more months and it's not like I have anywhere to put any of my stuff. I mean I'm sleeping in my nephew's bedroom that has all of his stuff in it. There's barely room for the few clothes I do have there. 

The rest of my shit is at my boyfriend's until I can get my own place, which I'm not allowed at because I got in a fight with my "so-called" bestfriend whom we inadvertently hooked up with my boyfriends bestfriend who owns the house. Boy was that a mistake! He was a 42 year old virgin and he lost his virginity to my so-called bestie who is actually an STD carrying whore who uses and manipulates people to get what she wants and lies about everything! She once accused a guy of attacking her because she had a crush on another guy who liked someone else and they were all out together so she picked up some strange dude and was all over him trying to make the guy she had a crush on jealous but of course that guy didn't notice so she said when she left the guy attacked her in the parking lot. Of course she came up with this story months after the fact and after she found out I had been sexually assaulted. And she was still trying to hook up with the guy she had a crush on even after she started dating her guy and that guy was in a serious relationship. I can't stand girls like that! 

I'm still extremely pissed off about all if it and I want to beat her ass. Every time I pull up and see her car parked in my parking spot I want to just hit the gas and total both cars or grab a stick and beat her windshield out. She's such a lying manipulative cunt! 

The whole fight started because she told me her business dealings with a mutual friend and then I talked to that friend and found out she was lying so I called her out about it because I could see her trying to play our roommate to get him to take care of her bills and it pissed me off. We got into it and she was fine but as soon as we got to his house, she broke out the waterworks and said I was being mean to her and he fell for it and rushed her to his room upset with me. It doesn't help I was pissed "at my bestfriend" so I "borrowed" her car without her permission to go to the bar and have a drink because mine was broke down and she called the cops on me. Fucking bitch! Needless to say; I was banned and kicked out the next morning. That's ok. I believe in karma and she will get what's coming to her. There were a lot of other things she did over the years which I questioned but overlooked because I thought she was a good person but looking back now I know better. 

Anyways, I've know her for 5 years too so maybe ending that relationship is a sign I'm making better choices minus taking her car which I still think was funny and if it had been reversed and she took my car I would have just gone and met her: not called the cops! 

Sometimes I wish I could go back 5 years and not made certain friendships, not started dating my boyfriend, not made certain sacrifices for people and I think my whole life would be different today. 

I never realized how many life choices I made 5 years ago. Maybe that's why I'm right back where I was then. Maybe this is God telling me to choose differently this time.